waterproof mascara

the past couple of days have felt like hell. i am so over smiling and being friendly and looking like i'm having a good time when really all i wanna do is be alone. coz anything's better than feeling like an outsider.

i was really looking forward to meeting all these new people at the 2nd wedding this past weekend. i'm good in most social situations. i don't usually need to be babysat at a party where i don't know anyone. but to fit in and belong is a two way street. i will smile and act upbeat and make small talk till i'm blue in the face, but if people refuse to reciprocate or even let me in the damn circle they're standing in, what the heck am i supposed to do apart from sitting there alone? if i had a dollar for everytime i had to stand with someone's back to me i could buy myself a ticket back to australia right now. i was so over it.. i left the reception and went freekin souvenir shopping in the hotel lobby. (btw vin, i bought merv a really cool fridge magnet while i was at it hehe) i didn't even care how anti-social i looked.

before i left my parents gave me a hundred lectures on how to act while i was here. i was told not to be aloof (since when am i aloof?) or shy and to be friendly. and that's all i've been since the moment i arrived. but i am TIRED now. i'm tired of being introduced as "pinsan ni benny, taga australia!!", tired of having to sound enthusiastic everytime i repeat the story of why i'm here for 3 months (heck even i'm starting to question that), tired of making sure i don't look bored at any moment.. and most of all tired of knowing NO ONE.

so when we got home i asked if i could borrow my auntie's cell and i called james and solo - the two people i know in this country from some time before june 30 2005. man it was good to hear a familiar voice. so good that i stayed on the phone till 3am. james is gonna be in my area as of tomorrow and i'm gonna make it my business to hang out with that boy coz i need to get out of here. and solo.. he makes me laugh and i'm probably going to see him in about a week.

i hate how insecure this has made me feel! what the heck is up with that!? i even lied to get out of hanging with these mean people today. i've never felt so conniving. i'm in a foreign country, and i KNOW i had more fun watching charmed and felicity and reading in bed at home today, than i would've had if i had gone to the mall and to the bowling alley with them. thats so messed up. eh whatever, i can't wait till hawai'i. i'm counting down the days. only 6 more to go!!