cainer

If you didn't love so much, you wouldn't care so much. If you didn't care so much, you wouldn't feel so much. If you didn't feel so much, you wouldn't hurt so much. If you didn't hurt so much, you wouldn't think so much. If you didn't think so much, life would not mean so much. Sensitivity may be a mixed blessing but it remains a very precious gift. But no matter how raw or vulnerable you may feel now, you are lucky to experience this emotion. Don't fear it. Process it. Learn from it. Allow it to evolve and allow yourself to evolve with it.

till the end of the year

you should've seen the state of my apartment when i walked in this afternoon. i renew my vow to never get drunk the night before a flight ever again. in any case, i'm so glad to be home (and wow, when did my SJ apartment start being "home"?). i got over canada on day 6 or something. i was feeling so sick of having no internet and being sooooo disconnected from everyone. i'm not a geek. i just need to be as close to home (sydney home) as i can be right now. or at least as contactable as possible.

i remember jade's 18th birthday party. that night at about 3am.. jade's parents were sleeping in their bed, my parents were sleeping in jade's bed, millie's parents were sleeping in lola's bed, lola and brad were sleeping in the computer room, and raquel, millie, jade and i were sleeping in the lounge. millie and jade head-to-toe on the couch, me on two armchairs pulled together to make a pseudo-bed, and raquel in the most comfortable spot of course on the folding bed. just like when we were kids. all 12 of us under the one roof. it breaks my heart that that was probably the last time that will happen.

i want to go home. i shouldn't be this far away. and its not fair that i'm being kept out of the loop because i'm this far away and no one wants me to worry. not for long though. my mum told me to come home and to forget about november. expect me back on aussie soil by september 26. i'm counting down the days.

please keep my family in your prayers. the next couple of months are going to be hard.

ca va?

i was in the lobby blogging and the computer just shut down on me.. so now i'm in the office behind the front desk using net for free! hehe. i feel kinda sad.

the morning after my drunken adventures with elaine was HELL. i woke up, hung over so bad, 15 minutes after my cab was supposed to pick me up. got dressed real quick and ran around the room throwing random shit into my suitcase just hoping i'd be able to zip it up in the end. (unfortunately none of this random shit included my adapotor which means i won't be able to recharge my camera or my MD while i'm here. grrrr.) then i spent the taxi ride and the whole plane trip just trying not to throw up. i've never felt so crap in my life. no joke. it was so bad i couldn't even look at the people drinking martinis on the movie on the plane without my stomach churning. i vow NEVER to drink before a trip ever again. when i got to chicago for my layover i called elaine just to make sure she was feeling as gross as i was. rest assured, when i spoke to michelle later that day she assured me elaine was practically crawling around the office.

anyway. i can't really comment on toronto. i haven't really seen it yet. i've been too busy at the trade show (i have a crush on one of the security guards. what is it with me and tall dark bouncer types?) and when i finally made it downtown today my aunties called me and suddenly we were on our way to my cousin's house for dinner. mad - cousins i've never heard of. that's always fun, nodding like i know what's going on everytime "ate vicki" is mentioned. i finally worked out that part of the family tree by about 9pm.

my favourite part is hearing french nearly everywhere i go. heavenly. and the face attached to the voice is usually just as heavenly. french canadians are cute little bastards.

ten dollars isn't ten dollars here. its "ten dix". did you giggle too? oh and they say "new-tella" intead of "nut-ella". funny canadians.

i just went to hawaii-oh5. i'm a little bit sad about poe and his phone. sigh. see? even the good ones have a tiny little bastard in them. i nearly forgot.

i will survive

holy shit. and i thought the drinks in hawai'i were bad. my workmate elaine took me out for drinks tonight as a mini farewell. they make their drinks STRONG here. i reckon one drink here is equivalent to about 3 drinks in sydney. its baaaad. like 60/40 bad. elaine was so tipsy she accidentally sprayed pepper spray at me on the way home. and i was so tipsy i done threw up 10 minutes ago. gross. i've never done that before. i don't even know if i packed everything i need for canada tomorrow. and i'm sitting here blogging coz i'm too scared to sleep coz i'm too scared i won't wake up for my 5.15am cab tomorrow. that'd be so bad if i missed my flight.

there were these girls doing karaoke at the bar tonight. made me miss my girls. we would show them how 'i will survive' is meant to be done. they ain't got nothing on us. oh and when some girls did 'you oughtta know' i nearly got up there and sang with them.

girls in restrooms arent as friendly here as in hawaii. and neither are their clubs as.... interesting. or maybe i'm just going to the wrong places.

this has taken my ages to type. i'm going to canada tomorrow. mad.

because i'm that bored...

F I R S T S
First real best friend: leona!! from about year 3 to year 6
First true love: al-something. guess.
First real heartbreak: sometime during the Alvin era i guess
First cellphone: 5110 baby!
First screen name: QueEnbEe *cringe*
First self purchased album: monica - miss thang
First pets: pogi boy, my maltese shitzu fluffball. got him for my 22nd birthday.
First piercing/tattoo: besides my two lobes, an earring near the top of my right ear in 2001
First Teacher: miss bernadette! i loved her. she was so pretty and she played the guitar. i so wanted to be her.
First big trip: 5 weeks in the phils in 1994
First love at first sight: i don't believe in that crap
First reason of a big fight with parents: probably something over a boy

L A S T S
Last kiss: solo
Last book/magazine you read: the da vinci code
Last good cry: in hawai'i during that strangely super charged emotional last night of ours
Last movie seen in theater/rented: bewitched with my cousins about 2 months ago
Last perfume used: nollie
Last beverage drank: water
Last food consumed: a chili cheeseburger (turns out it was a chilidog with cheese.. who knew) with fries from weinerschnitzel (hehe sounds funny)
Last crush: i don't even know... i don't think i have crushes anymore
Last phone call: solo and friends this afternoon
Last time showered: just then
Last shoes worn: havaiana thongs (reppin the aussie brands! ... they're aussie right?) vin gave me for my farewell present :)
Last cd played: cd? i play mp3s now
Last item bought: roxy bikini and nollie perfume coz the pacsun voucher nix gave me was about to expire
Last shirt worn: hollister shirt (hehe hollister!)
Last jeans worn: portmans jeans
Last website visited: hotmail
Last form of exercise you have done: walking from the busstop
Last time you danced with your loved one: may 2004. its been a while.

10% pepper

today i bought my first can of pepper spray. michelle was telling me this story about this crackhead she saw in the carpark..he was hiding behind a pole and when she got to the elevator he started running at her! so she grabbed her pepper spray with one hand, and started banging on the elevator button with the other, and she managed to get into the elevator just in time. that sold me on the pepper spray right there. where i work is nice (i guess the carpark isn't really..), and where i live is nice... its just most of the places in between that are crappy. i run into some very shady characters every day. i was downtown at about 8 tonight and even that was a bit too late to be there by myself. there are people just standing there by the side of the street... and you don't really know what they're doing there. and then there are those people that talk all loud to themselves, and skinny middle aged white ladies with ratty hair and 15 plastic bags full of crap. these people don't look homeless either. they're just.. there.

yeeeeeh i don't think i'm going to stay till november. my mum got kinda upset and sad when i told her about it today. expect me home in september.

i left work early to go shopping today. i think i'm preppy when i'm in america or something.. coz i only seem to like stores like abercrombie or hollister or american eagle. papaya and forever 21 clothes look all cheap and hoochy. american fashion sucks. i wonder what they think of our stores when they come to australia.

elaine's coming on monday!! yay friends! (i hope she actually comes this time)

maple syrup

so.. i'm going to canada next week. i found out yesterday i'll be flying over there to represent the company at a trade show for radio shack. or something. haha yeh i don't really know the details. i just know i'm there for 10 days, and i'm going to see niagra falls coz i promised.

BUT the real news is that... because technically i'm leaving the country when i go to canada, technically my 90 day visitor allowance starts again when i re-enter the states, so technically i can stay until the 28th of november and not the 26th of september like planned...

michelle ran it by our CEO this afternoon.. and he gave a tentative yes.

hmmm. we'll see.

greasy!

i didn't sleep till past 7am this morning! and i'd probably still be asleep if it weren't for solo waking me up at 3pm. damn what a waste of a day. my sleeping patterns are so messed up right now.

i spent the day waiting for laguna beach to play (i went to mtv.com and found out they're gonna be playing it 18 times this week... daaang) and got distracted by the america's next top model marathon. i've watched the first 3 seasons in the last 3 days. addictive! i reckon i can fit in with nel and nix and vida now.

i also did my laundry. and ate vegetable lasagne. and talked to solo (and mike and ishaq - coz i can never talk to JUST solo) for a few hours. and tidied up. how boring my life is.

i was taking the trash out when this man appeared in the fire stairwell out of nowhere. that was creepy. use the elevator sir, that fire escape is for emergencies. i really need to get me some pepper spray i think.

i miss hearing "sir" and "ma'am". sigh. stay safe my friends.

i wanna go back to hawai'i. i think i might. i will be anyway, because of the way my ticket is structured. but i'm thinking of turning my 2 hour stop over into a 4 day stop over. i don't know yet. can i really survive that long living with those boys? they tease me too much.

i really should sleep.

every paragraph in this post starts with "i".

mr gigalo

andy milonakis: describe me in one word or less
old woman: ... chubby
andy milonakis: thank you!

any milonakis: describe me in one word or less
*asian woman starts ranting in some sort of asian language*
andy milonakis: exactly! ... oh i know!! .. i hear ya!

hehe he's so funny! i love him.

i'm a bit sad coz i just now realised (more than a year a later.. i'm the slowest person on the planet) that my nick cannon is dating christina milian.

okay i watch too much mtv.

today i got harrassed by a bus driver. he started off by telling me my legs were nice.. and just when i started thinking i might've misheard him, he asked if i put anything special on them or if i got leg massages. i called solo to tell him, and he was laughing until i told him how the bus driver made me miss my stop, gave me his number, followed me to the train station, and asked me repeatedly for hugs. THEN solo was all "report his ass!!". that's the last time i'm wearing shorts on the bus.

anyway, i went to Great Mall today. great indeed. i found a hollister factory outlet and went a bit nuts. i'll be going back there for sure.. i'll just take a different bus route next time. i don't care if it takes me twice as long and i end up catching three different buses, as long as i don't run into my friend from today.

tomorrow i might just stay local. i've had enough drama venturing out of the area for this weekend hehe.

that's how we'll always be

i've had jasmine trias' inseperable (album version) on loop all afternoon... i looooove it. i also like if i ever see heaven again and silly of me. she sounds nice now.

does it look unsocial of me to have headphones on? i read in allure last night that it makes me look closed off. eh i don't care. my desk is all ostracised from the rest of the people anyway.

i think someone is playing a ukulele in the office. i might be mr "i was born in hawai'i but don't try talking about the place with me" albert.. i can't see coz my cubi walls are too tall. i might stand up and stretch or something...

haha yeh it was albert. he saw me looking and swivelled away in his chair. i like this office. people play ukuleles. how random.

i'm so annoyed at mtv. they have been playing laguna beach's "since you've been gone" episode since we got to hawai'i. then finally they showed the next episode on monday but instead of putting that on repeat, they're STILL playing "since you've been gone". if i see that scene where kristin leaves stephen at the beach again, i will cry.

wow.. albert and bob are duet-ing that canon song they played at chandler and monica's wedding (i think) on a bob's guitar and albert's ukulele. lalala. it sounds nice. i feel like i'm lying on a beach in hawai'i. kinda.

yay its the weekend! i wish i had friends to spend it with =/ imma go shopping!!

wait till you see my d...

i got home tonight and turned on the tv to see what was on mtv. i was just in time for the drop it like its hot video. so i'm lying here, rapping along (coz i'm thug like that), smiling and remeniscing on hawai'i last year... and then the song ended, and just guess what the next video was? WAIT (WHISPER SONG)! i was so happy.. so so happy :) it was funny how every second word had to be censored though. haha.

i miss hawai'i man. far out. today nix and i were joking about going back again. but no. we can't nix. we can't! (we'll just bring hawai'i to us.. and then to the GC haha)

today i came to the realisation that i work in a sort of ghetto. michelle and i took a walk up the block and walked past a man yelling at a sleeping woman on his shoulder, another man who was practically slamming his girlfriend into the bustop window, and a man rapping loudly to himself. both her and the UPS man tell me stories of transvestites and violent blind women and dealers and undercover cops. it really didn't seem that bad a few days ago.. i guess that's just what "downtown" is all about. at least i live in a nice area.

our friends are going to iraq tomorrow. or is texas for training first? well whichever, its a bit sad. i hope they stay safe over there.

do you know the way to..

i've been so busy doing my hawai'i recap, uploading hawai'i photos, writing my catch up email to vin (its coming girl, i promise.. there's just soooo much to tell that it's taking a bit of time), catching up with friends (old and new, australian and hawai'ian) on msn and yahoo, and watching my 15th episose of laguna beach.. to do much else! its a bit sad.. i've been here in san jose since friday and i've spent most of it indoors. its just so good to lie down and rest and have nowhere to go though! holidays take so much out of you.

so i landed in san francisco on thursday night, totally unprepared for how cold it was there. i was much too used to the hawai'ian climate. i felt seriously lost coz i wasn't sure how the whole shuttle bus thing worked but i got to my hotel in the end. i then spent till 5am on my laptop enjoying wireless internet to the fullest. the worst bit? i was on hawai'ian time still.. and our usual sleeping time there was 4am. anyway, i woke up at 11.53am and had to "haul ass" to get to my 12pm shuttle in time.

a shuttle ride and a door-to-door van ride later i arrived at my apartment in san jose. its looooovely!! i likie. its clean and pretty and cozy and just plain nice. i can see myself living quite comfortably for the next 2 months. i did some grocery shopping not realising that a gallon of water and a box of laundry powder was going to weigh a ton on the walk back to the apartment. i miss driving!

today was my first day at the office. i liked that too. the commute downtown isn't bad at all and the office is so laid back (that's what happens when all managers and the CEO are in Sydney) so i had a really good day. oh and i also got my company cell phone and security pass today. yay. and i found out one of my friends from the Sydney office is arriving next week! she's stayed in san jose for 9 months over the last year or so, so i plan to bug her to take me everywhere as soon as she arrives. friends!!!! yay.